a story of a girl

2008-10-10T15:58:00.001+08:00

STEPS TO SUCCESS!

1) Being Thorough
If you want to be truly successful, you need to be meticulous about details. You can't afford to overlook something and think that it does not matter. Because most of the time, it does.

2) Get a Momentum going and keep your Momentum going
When you have big ideas, you would need the energy to execute it and get the idea out into the real world. And sometimes, it would take a long time. Without momentum, you would not have what it take to get the job done.

3) Stay Focused
The moment you lose your focus, you will also lose your momentum. They go together. You can accomplish a lot more things if you keep these two things working together for you. If you think you lack focus, just ask yourself this question, "What should I be thinking about right now?"

4) Look at the Solution, Not the Problem
No matter what you do, you are bound to run into problems. It's just part of life. If you allow problems to get into your way, it will become bigger than your idea in the first place and you may become overwhelmed by it. So, focus on the solution and you'll be surprised how things can work out.

5) See Opportunities for what it is
For example, why are you reading this blog post? You can give any reason you want and for whatever reason you give, reading this post is an opportunity for you to learn. Always ask yourself, "What can I learn today that I didn't know before?" Take the time to see today as an opportunity and you'll be surprised by what can come your way.

6) Know everything you can about what you are doing
This is a good way to cover your bases and know what is going on.

7) Be Lucky & Be Passionate
Remember the old saying, "The harder I work, the luckier I get." Well, it happens to be true. You have to love what you are doing if you want to be successful at it. That's the fast track to success no matter what your interests are.

8) See Yourself as Victorious
That can zap negativity immediately and put a positive spin on problems. Why not see problems as challenges and know that you are more capable in dealing with them?

9) Be Smart
Know that you have something unique to offer because you use the tools that are provided for you and remain open to new ideas. That is also where innovation comes from. Being smart means you know how to use what you have got.

10) Never Give Up
The only time you will be a failure is when you quit trying. Losers give up. Winners keep on going. Never give up.

credits to absoluteislove.livejournal.com

Lopsided

2008-09-04T17:25:00.002+08:00

Should I feel happy?
Should I feel relieved?
Everything seems settled.
Everything seems fine.

Or is it?

Something's missing.
Somehow it seems.
I gained big.
But I lost more.

Or did i?

Happiness.
Is it supposed to be like this?
Satisfaction.
Is that what I should feel?

I guess it's fear.
Or is it unease?
No matter what it is,
Nothing can be done.
It has already eaten,
The other half of me.

I feel lopsided_

My Choice

2008-08-28T18:57:00.000+08:00

I could choose to be alone
But life would be meaningless
Then I could choose to make friends
Wouldn't everyone be happy?

I could choose to be selfish
To not care about you
Then I could choose to hear your sorrows
So you have someone to talk to

I could choose to runaway
When things turn out bad
But I could choose to stick around
So they won't feel sad

Then I could choose to cry out
And drown in self pity
Or I can choose to be satisfied
Only then I'll be happy

I could choose not to say
Say nothing at all
But I could choose to be fair
At least to myself

I could choose not to care
If it hurts you or not
Then I could choose to stay mum
Then again, for how long?

But when I choose what I want
It pains me to see
The hurt in your eyes
In your voice as you speak

So what should I do?
To choose to please all?
And live in regret
And me with nothing at all?

My Fear

2008-08-26T17:49:00.002+08:00

Before, I..
Fear the impossible emotional suppression
Fear the disclosure of my inmost affection
Fear of revealing what's meant to be hushed
Fear what I cherish dear will all be crushed

Now, I..
Fear of the imminent foul complications
Fear the abstruse turn of situations
Fear the impressions of loved ones so close
Fear the high chances that they may oppose

Fear the immense disbelief on their faces
Fear of their letdown and relation displaces
Fear of explaining my deepest emotions
Fear there's no use for my justifications

Fear the impossible fate of redemption
Fear of regret and adverse self-conviction
Fear that all faith in me will be lost
Fear that my fears will be my life's course.....

A new chapter

2008-08-22T06:17:00.004+08:00

Just a short entry.

Finally posting an entry after so long.
Guess it's about time too.

Many things have happened these past couple of months.
It's just crazy how things can be so dramatic sometimes.

But through all the chaos and mayhem,
I did learn quite a lot of things I must say...

...even things about myself that throughout my 20 years of life,
I did not know of.

I suppose Time has changed everything.
Everyone. Including me.

Signing off_
"You can give without loving, but you can't love without giving."

F*** This Shit

2007-12-03T09:20:00.000+08:00

everything's a mess..everything is falling apart..
getting more tired as the days pass...feeling like shit..
fyp is around the corner and i am unprepared..afraid of failing at a time like this..i just wanna scrap thru..i dun wanna waste anymore time..normally i wouldn't care how i do..so long as i pass..but now how i do will not only put my own grades at stake..shit this man..why the f*** must there be fyp..i just want it all to end..not to mention another 2 more tests the eve of fyp day..with tons of reports still due..i just wanna scream...SCREAM...it's sucking me up mentally and emotionally..
my choreo..incomplete and i lost one dancer at a f***ing time like this..wtf..and because of that i'm all troubled bout the replacement..not to mention 19 more days to showtime and she hasn't started 3 choreographies....not 1...3...and because of that she's eating into my practice days..how the hell am i supposed to finish..and because of this..i'll get it from him for giving an incomplete showcase with 1 dancer short this wed...ya...this wed..when f***ing fyp presentation is gonna take place...and not to mention bout another performance she's accepted which means i've got another choreo due this fri..and guess what??? i hadn't got the time to even touch it..everyone's at my neck for something..i just wanna run away..physically tired and emotionally drained..what else more do you wanna do to me? skin me alive? guess it doesn't matter anymore..

failure

2007-09-26T17:03:00.000+08:00

today has been a screwed up day..started the day sucky..had many little things happen throughout the day that pissed me off and the day ended with a "big bang"..
i realised once again after such a long while that it's very difficult to please you..no matter what i do..it's never to your liking..i spent my whole life trying to please you and it's getting very tiring..finally said what i really felt..what i have always wanted to say but didn't find the right words to..sorry that i broke down in front of you and i know that you are hurting now..that you are disappointed..in fact i have always been a disappointment to you..i never meet your expectations even how hard i try..you never said it but i feel like a failure in your eyes..i have loads of things i wanna say..but everything is jumbled up..in bits and pieces..can't seem to bring them to words..

some random words that i'm thinking of..
irresponsible, narrow-minded, patience, misunderstood, miscommunication, left out, assumptions, failure, unappreciated, bossed, defensive, excuses, distrust...blahblahblah...

hurt for the last time

2007-09-01T02:59:00.000+08:00

guess i'm fated not to have any..couldn't help but to laugh when i heard it..excuses excuses..whether or not they were excuses..i have yet to know..but from past experiences..they seem like it to me..just when i thought it was going well..something like this has to happen..i should have known better..but i thought it'll be different this time..so i shoved my instincts aside..but this time..it's alot faster than i thought it'd be..how can i ever trust any one of your kind anymore? after all the shit you self-obsessed, egoistic, insensitive, indecisive, scummy dingleheads have left behind for me to clean up..it just makes me hate all of you scums..

__bloody mood

empty

2007-08-17T05:30:00.000+08:00

________this is what i'm feeling...

happy day

2007-08-11T13:31:00.000+08:00

*post for 8 august* a lil' late i know..*winks*

YIPPY YAY YAI YIPPIE YEEPY YAI...*prances ard and clicks fingers*

wat a good day....the presentation went pretty well and my test was so much better than expected...woohoo! though i'm a wee bit guilty for my success was based on ky's downfall..nahaa..oh you poor thing..hahaha..ice cream cone for you?? *giggles* one of the rare days i feel so happy..*does the Ellen Degeneres' dance* ok enough of all the self indulgence..off to attempt to study..kekee..hope it works..*prances off into the shadows*

All she wants is to be happy

2007-08-01T12:29:00.000+08:00

Some said she was blessed with numerous friends
But no one ever said anything about the problems that came along with it
The endless arguements and quarrels
They came one after another
Throughout her teenage life
She was sick and tired of it
She had to put on a mask to forget about her sorrows
Coz she just wanted to be happy with the people around her
Yet for all the good she did
She got back shit
And even lost herself some friends
She felt taken for granted of
Useless
Her love life was no better
Feeling cheated and fooled
Even guilty
After stepping out of each phase
She felt confused if it's ok to enter just one more
Will it turn out to be just another past?
Or will this be her future
Someone whom she could bring back to meet the parents
Nonetheless, she'll always be judged for the choices she made
Misunderstood by the world
Just because she was born with 'it'
That's when she wanted to seek refuge in a place called Home
All she wanted was peace in the house
But that's just to much to ask
And now she's lost without a place to hide
A failure academically, she's good at nothing
The only thing she was good at was her dream
She forgets everything and leaves it all behind
When she enters her world
That's the only thing she's left with
If she still wants to keep herself sane
In her screwed up life
But that's not her choice to make
She wasn't able to fulfil that dream
If she wants to keep him happy
And that's the worst feeling you can ever get
Not being able to fulfil your dream
Now she just has a simple request
To be happy
Can that be done for her?

my limit

2007-07-30T14:34:00.000+08:00

argh!!!! it's so frustrating!! so fcuking angry.......both at myself and at you!! can you just stop talking???? why can't you understand?!?!?! you ask why can't i understand..but can i shoot the question back at you???? why do this to yourself?? everything i do or not you have to nag and nag and nag...can't you just give us all some space for ourselves to live our lives??? give me a fcuking break...what's your problem?!?! it's not like i can't differentiate what's right from wrong..what's important and what's not...i know it well enough to lead a proper and normal life...argh!!! is it so difficult to shut up?? to close one eye??!?!?!? i've never been so crazy in my life..that was just insane..i can't believe i did that...i just can't..i couldn't control it..i couldn't control myself..my temper..my actions...my tears..you were just driving me up the wall i just went bonkers...i was shivering...so crazy till i shivered...i wasn't thinking straight...i thought i was going to insane..you know..IMH insane...couldn't believe it myself....thought i was going to lose the hair...after all the pulling....couldn't believe it...
everyday..you know..everyday....even after so many times of this...you still can't get it...even after so many people told you...it's something so minor....so fcuking minor!!!!! it's not even worth it..!!! so worthless!! but why get so worked up about it????!?!!?!?! aurgh!!! after what i did..it only made me feel bad...so bad...so shitty...i couldn't help but cry..cry like a baby..maybe worse..i felt like a retard..like some crazy woman..just unsightly..i don't even know if i'll be forgiven for it...i'm a lousy ********..so lousy....i just wanna leave and run away...just like you said....leave...it would be better right...for you...for everyone..no more troubles...no more worries....thought so too myself...
fcuk! FCUK!!!!!! FcuKK!!!!

the wonders of photoshop

2007-07-12T20:28:00.000+08:00

kat came over to take some photos for a project using my feet and my shoes..haha..turned out to be really cool after we edited them on photoshop..the wonders of photoshop i must say...am so proud that i just had to post them...hee..

2007-07-11T04:13:00.000+08:00

Can't concentrate..can't think straight..my head's all in a mess..escaped from class..don't wanna see any familiar faces..just had to get out..breathe some fresh air and clear my mind.
Not gonna ask anymore 'whys'..coz i never got answers..
Feeling terrible the past few days..no idea why..i can just sit..stare..and unconsciously cry..and Music can now change my mood tremendously..
Flashes of recent and past memories both lousy and good would just appear in my head..even when i don't want them to..all sorts..everything that's happened to me..
Guess it's just another phase..maybe i'll pull through again and my blog may once again die out without the constant feed of entries..

__random rantings ..all a mess

not fair

2007-07-10T15:35:00.000+08:00

Failed another test once again..as usual by a little bit..just have no luck in me at all..have always been and will always be i guess..things just keep coming..should have gotten use to it by now..should have..or at least i'm trying to..but shouldn't i at least deserve a break? so many things happening at once is just not fair for anyone at all..guess no one will ever understand..

__exhausted

Giving up

2007-07-09T17:40:00.000+08:00

What am I to you? Just coz you're all scared, you think you have the right to treat me this way? After all you did, bringing my hopes up high..If you wanted to settle things this way, then you shouldn't have led me the wrong way! And not to mention, leaving me hanging without a word. What is this? After all the tears and sacrifices I've given, after all the waiting, this is what I get?? At least tell me..is it too much to ask? Do I even exist to you? Guess not..or it seems like it.

__I'm sick and tired of you..I give up..

Torn

2007-07-09T17:32:00.000+08:00

I thought I saw a man brought to life
He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
He showed me what it was to cry
Well you couldn't be that man I adored
You don't seem to know, don't seem to care what your heart is for
But I don't know him anymore
There's nothing where he used to lie
My conversation has run dry
That's what's going on, nothing's fine I'm torn

I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel
I'm cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed into something real
I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn
You're a little late, I'm already torn

So I guess the fortune teller's right
Should have seen just what was there and not some holy light
To crawl beneath my veins and now
I don't care, I have no luck, I don't miss it all that much
There's just so many things that I can't touch, I'm torn

I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel
I'm cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed into something real
I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn
You're a little late, I'm already torn. Torn..

There's nothing where he used to lie
My inspiration has run dry
That's what's going on, nothing's right, I'm torn

I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel
I'm cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed into something real
I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn
I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel
I'm cold and I'm ashamed bound and broken on the floor
You're a little late, I'm already torn...

Tired

2006-12-27T08:58:00.001+08:00

Why?? Why is my life forever like that?? I wish I can just sit and relax and enjoy whatever is around me but no...i'm never given the chance to..family..friends..love...it all just comes crashing one after the other..and when everything is finally ok...it just takes a stupid thing to ruin it all again...what have I done to deserve this??? My stamina's running out..I don't have the energy to make everyone happy...I'm not some superhero..I'm no robot..what makes all of you think that you are in such a terrible state with just one person when someone else is going through that same state with multiple people?? And not to mention many other reasons more..I'm so tired...give me the strength Lord..I'm running out of energy..just a little more....please..

waves 11!!!!!

2006-12-09T19:04:00.000+08:00

Finally, a less depressing entry!! YEY!
Love all who came for the concert!! Thank you so much! It means alot....=]
Though there were a few boo boos that I made once in awhile..the concert felt great!!
Better than the previous!
And hiphoppers..you rocked the house!!! Great performance tonight! Hee..
Modern dancers..Love ya'll so much!! Our sweat, blood, bruises, pain, injuries, tears..were all worth it!!! Argh......so happy...hee..
Praise the Lord for a successful concert! Muackxzzzx..!!
Tomorrow is celebration time!! See ya'll there!!! Hee..can't wait! Waiyee will be there too!! I can't believe it!
Gonna sleep like a pig tonight and club tomorrow night loh!! Hmhmhahaha...forgetting molbio test on mon..*smirks*

Stop playing tricks on me!

2006-11-16T13:31:00.000+08:00

Why must this always happen to me? Am I fated to always go through situations like these? One after another..there's always something new waiting for me..and they all have the same motive..to see me in my pitiful state..I'm tired and exhausted..both mentally and physically..emotionally too..is that still not enough? Must the pathetic amount of energy be drained out of me before everything will be over? Why does misery come with every little present I receive? As if it comes as a package, as a free gift..but that's no gift..it's not even funny..Stop playing tricks on me! I don't have the energy for it anymore...Not anymore...

Do you know how it feels?

2006-11-10T16:26:00.000+08:00

Do you know how it feels..to be so close to you, yet unable to hold you close?

Do you know how it feels..to long to care for and comfort you when you're down and out, yet hold back coz I'm afraid you don't appreciate? And all that I can do is sit here, and worry about you day and night..

Do you know how it feels..to look at you everyday, and yearn for you more each time I see your face?

Do you know how it feels..to try to forget you but just when I do, you appear before me? It only makes me hate to see you coz the more I do, the more it hurts..

Do you know how it feels..to open my mouth, but nothing comes out, coz all I can think of are thoughts of rejection?

Do you know how it feels..to love you so much till it hurts? Till it makes me hate loving you..

And do you know how it feels..to feel unworthy of your love? And that someone who makes you happy is not and will never be me..

new look

2006-09-03T16:42:00.000+08:00

It's been a week since the exams were over. Thank God. Well, new look to me blog! Haha..finally removed all the cobwebs. Hope to constantly update hee..since the I'm done with the exams. Been slacking and slacking..and I'm lovin' it!! lalala...

The strength of a man

2006-06-21T09:31:00.000+08:00

The strength of a man isn't in the width of his shoulders,
but in the width of his arms that encircle you.

The strength of a man isn't in the deep tone of his voice,
but in the gentle words that he whispers.

The strength of a man isn' t in how hard he hits,
but in how tender he touches.

The strength of a man isn't in how many women he has loved,
but in how well he loves one woman.

The strength of a man isn't in the weight he can lift,
but in the burdens he can carry.

-by Anonymous-

How I Feel

2006-06-14T14:31:00.000+08:00

Whenever I look at you and you look at me
The air turns silent with more than a tinge of stiffness
I try to speak but my tongue goes numb
I try to smile but my lips refuse

I'd give anything to break the ice
To hear your voice, to hear your laughter
I'd care for you day in day out
If only you would allow me to

I've thought of ways just to see you laugh
I've lost tens of nights thinking what I should say
I've tried to be happy just for you to be too
I've disappointed myself day after day

I've ignored thoughts of you that brought me pain
I've fought all feelings that pulled me from you
I've shed buckets of tears over my insecurity
I just wish for you to feel the same for me too

2006-04-22T15:13:00.000+08:00

It's been a long time since I last posted. Quite a few things happened. My birthday for example, was my best birthday ever! Celebrated it in a dance studio! It was a surprise thingie..and I loved it! Muacks SPdance! Still can't believe it..*smiles*

However..

I beg to be free from this emotional jail
Caged a convict, misunderstood by the world
My words all heard through large megaphones
My thoughts being written before they're even heard
My life is composed into books by authors
Interpreted into languages of unsung novels
Edited by numerous writers and reporters
And judged by many of the readers
Made to explain myself once too often
Forced to make choices I've yet to be sure
Deeply exhausted by all the demands
My heart can take no more of such pressure
................
I shout but there is no sound
I cry but there are no tears
I am gonna sink and drown
In the pool of my own fears

A Man's Alter Ego

2006-04-02T16:47:00.000+08:00

Shouts and banging of tables began
Cries of a woman unheard to a man
Deafened by the sound of the voice in his head
He continuously pummels her with words instead
With righteousness that I beg to defer
He has no intention of losing to her
Shattering the silence of the soothing night sky
He couldn't care less the tears in her eyes
He goes on over and again how he's right
Clearly he was trying to pick up a fight
A fight that he's confident of his victory
Eventhough he knows it would bring her misery
What kind of a gentleman brings pain to a lady
Harsh words and accusations said without mercy
Though he claims he loves her so
He treasures more his alter ego

F***

2006-02-18T12:10:00.000+08:00

FFF*** science!!! What the hell am I doing in Biotech?!?!?!

something to be happy about

2006-02-12T07:53:00.000+08:00

Finally, something to be happy about. Though it wasn't perfect, it was great! Everything went very well, we were so nervous backstage but were able to calm down at the side wings. And omg! Personally, I just love the finale. And to think that we were still fumbling over our movements a couple of hours before during our final run through. Thank you Wai Yee for scolding and stressing us so much. The fruits of our labour tasted fantastic! And to Kenneth. Hope you are feeling proud. We've never dance like that before during practices. So you can heave a sigh of relief. And finally, praise the Lord for going through everything with me. Without you, I don't think I can survive this phase and thank you for making this concert a success. And to all who came. Muacks!

**Finally something that I can feel proud of**

dying fast

2006-02-07T17:21:00.000+08:00

Confusion is all that's in my head. Went to see the doc today and he told me i'm stressed and dehydrated. And to make things worse, i'm having a practical test and two written tests tomorrow. What am i doing now? Blogging. All i can think of is my dream and that's it. I don't know if i should change course in poly or go straight for what my mind and soul longs for. If i do, is that the right move? I mean, imagine if i do change course, i'll be spending on 4 years of school fees that aren't exactly peanuts to me. And after that i'll still have to pay full price of the school fees of what i really want. But if i dont switch course and stay, i'll probably break down and collapse one day. And if i do go for my dream, what if i don't succeed? What if i'm just not ready for it? What about my friends and the life i've just gotten used too? I'm surely gonna miss it. If only i can just get an answer now. I'm not gonna be able to hang in there much longer. *sighs*

I'm like supposed to be studying now, considering how much information that hasn't gotten into my head. But i f***ing can't. My brain juice is getting pathetically little as the days go by and i can't seem to do anything about it. Not even a drop of motivation exists in me now. *sighs again*

**If only someone can just save me from my misery and catch me when i'm falling**

Don't

2006-02-06T14:04:00.000+08:00

Don't nod your head
If you're just a pleaser
Don't make me laugh
If you're just a joker

Don't say you know me
If you don't know misery
Don't say you're hurt
If you've never felt cursed

Don't enter my life
If you can't take agony
Don't wait for me
If you are hasty

Don't share my burden
If you can't carry
Don't say you love me
If you aren't ready

Be lowered

2006-01-15T14:42:00.000+08:00

What a chauvinist you have always been
Believing that you're unquestionably great
Shouting and extorting the rights of others
When you've been shot down right on the head

You think because of your status you've all the right
To lower others down to your feet
Shutting them up whenever you're silenced
Whenever their sentiments race out as you speak

With great pride too heavy for you to carry
I wish one day you'd stumble and fall
Or meet your match of defeat and be lowered
At the feet of the greatest hero of all

Dance

2006-01-13T15:19:00.000+08:00

Without you, my life is bland
My days all faded, menially planned
With no hunger for what lies ahead
My life is a waste, a bitter mistake

I cannot picture life with no frame
No anchor to hold me, to keep me sane
No exit that leads me out to the clouds
Where dreams exist above the bustling crowds

Nothing has made me feel such passion
Thinking of you has become an addiction
Before I sleep and when I wake
You would constantly be in my head

Some may say you are but a dream
A fairy tale story, a fantasy film
But no matter how much others disagree
I am bent on making Dance a part of me

sobs

2006-01-06T16:31:00.000+08:00

I NEED A BREAK...!! FROM EVERYTHING...........!! *sobs*

scream!

2006-01-05T15:44:00.000+08:00

Sigh....school's started and just like timo..i'm not ready for school at all...
Since school began..i can officially say now that i've got no life...doink...ky should know ba..hee...
aaarrrggggggghhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Just needed a place to scream...there..i'm done..

We will be here

2005-12-21T10:03:00.000+08:00

When troubles flow like pouring rain,
You can count on us to share your pain.
When everyone seems too blind to you,
You can come to us, don't feel blue.

Though you may not be the perfect friend,
We'll never desert you, instead we'll mend,
The perspectives we have on all your flaws,
And open all our windows and doors.

Friendships last when troubles are made,
You'll have to bare the price you've paid.
Before the bond of us was tied,
A silent agreement was fixed to abide.

Disoriented

2005-12-13T16:34:00.000+08:00

Tired and exhausted from all the hiding and pretending,
controlling my tears to prevent them from falling.

Sighs..I've been studying for so many hours and there isn't much progress. I can't seem to concentrate and to make things worse, the facts are so freaking difficult to get into that pathetic brain. Argh..reliving the previous times again. Why in the world am I here? Stuck on this path I don't know how walk on.
Tears are all gathered at the tip of my eyelids, so heavy till it hurts. Blurring my vision and not favouring the situation. The burning sensation tangled up in my throat makes me feel so disoriented. Being at a lost for words, for actions. I only wish for my guiding star to fall down onto my lap and tell me everything will be okay with it's presence.

I hate myself

2005-12-08T03:56:00.001+08:00

The soul I loathe most on Earth
Is the soul of someone closest to me
Someone who knows me in and out
Someone I know right down to the heart

Without discerning her words and actions
She successfully chases all my friends away
Leaving me helpless with immense disappointment
I slowly watch them slip away

One by one they'd leave with anger and grief
Occasionally disappearing from my life
Leaving me tearfully in despair
And unaware of the reasons why

Left with nothing but myself alone
I sit at a corner recollecting
What have I done to deserve such a fate
Having to live my life with the person I hate

a smile

2005-11-05T13:34:00.000+08:00

A smile
Passing by,
Was it towards me?
There must be somone behind me.
But what if there isn't?
What would that mean?
Seeing you
And you seeing me,
It happens often,
But what does it mean?
I don't know, I don't know,
I only have hope.
Hope that it was that it was real.

By M Mem

nothing

2005-10-25T05:39:00.000+08:00

Just came back from my chalet yesterday. Didn't do much except for slacking and watching tv the whole time. Went to the theme park on the second day and lost my cap during the ride in the indoor roller coaster! Darn that stupid roller coaster! It's a big violent bully! Made me and KY have so many bruises and scratches. The bbq was nice though. Everyone initially couldn't make it at the last minute and we all were kinda pissed (some very pissed) on the first night when we found out. But, on the second day, everyone suddenly was able to go (which was great!) and the food was nice and yummy! Mmm! The music was excellent too! (of course! they were mine! *winks*) Anyways, overall, the chalet was a nine-er. Ok, maybe an eight-ish because of all the sleeping and slacking and not doing anything. But, we were all together. So, it's alright..right?? =]
Anyways, LiYing: Wasn't contented with my results at all. Sucked big time. It's a just pass. Haix..oh well, at least I passed. I don't ask for much..considering my ability and intelligence level. =]

just when you came

2005-10-19T13:27:00.000+08:00

Just when the door slams shut
Just when the sun goes into hiding
Just when darkness erupts
Just when I lost to obscurity

Just when the stars dwindle
Just when white roses eradicate
Just when love becomes a parable
Just when I lose my courage

Just when life is an end
Just when dance is an impossible
Just when a foe is a friend
Just when I lose to despair

You came..
Why? Why..

neglected

2005-10-09T17:11:00.000+08:00

Like that flower living at that corner of your room
Insignificant, yet silently colouring that lifeless grey
Will you feel the emptiness when it withers?

Like that little girl routinely appearing in that playground
Ordinary, yet unconsciously drawing a smile on your face
Will you feel the loneliness when she ceases to appear one day?

Like that fading photograph mangled between pages of that book
Discarded, yet still modestly castling those precious memories
Will you feel the ruefulness when it fades into placid yellow?

Like that nobody faintly existing in your life
Unnoticed, yet silently living in your presence
Will that nobody become noteworthy when glanced upon?

Like that acquaintence among your countless contacts
Overlooked, yet significant in darkness
Will you feel mournful when one day darkness consumes her instead?

argh!

2005-10-08T05:17:00.000+08:00

I hate him! Big egoistic bugger. Everything he does is right. He thinks he is to be exact. That's one reason I never like staying home when he's around. And recently, he's always around. I hate him!! I can't stand his i'm-always-right look, his never-interrupt-me voice, and his a million and one analogies which I think is all junk and repetition. Argh...! I hate him......

boring

2005-10-07T07:35:00.000+08:00

It's been horrendously boring the past few days. Argh! No job ---> No money ---> No pampering. That's sad..haha. Never going back to that stupid hotel to work. Attitude problem peeps. Before I left that place I should have took a photo of the managers sneaking to the back to eat. Especially this "wanker" working there. Assiest hole of all. Only know how to say OMGWTBFKNNBCCBGTH. Seriously, he needs some english lessons. Chinese will do too. Dammit, Medwin, you should have taken their picture! haha..

almost over

2005-09-27T12:41:00.000+08:00

Four more days till the end of this nightmare. Can't wait! So far so good, though I probably won't do well, but at least I don't have to forward a module. *phew* Really thinking about changing course after this first year. Trying out for np mass comm..really hope I'll be able to get in. I know it'll be difficult, but at least it's not as bad as biotech.

Anyways, I really wanna thank the Lord above who's seen me through my difficult moments. I don't know what I'll do without him. If not for him, I'd probably go insane the past week or so. He's the only one that kept me sane, or at least sane enough to move on. Praise the Lord for he is good!

imagination

2005-09-19T13:42:00.000+08:00

"Imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge is limited. Imagination encircles the world." -Albert Einstein

How I wish the world is able to see that. I'm going mad here, pulling my hair with every page I read. I can't seem to absorb anything! Nothing goes in! Tomorrow is the semestral exam and all I ask is to pass..just a pass will do..is that too much to ask?
Guess I've made up my mind to try out for mass comm at the end of first year. Really hope I can get in then. I don't think I can take it much longer..

life

2005-09-15T12:08:00.000+08:00

I once believed that life was a gift. I thought whatever I wanted I would someday possess. Is that greed, or only youth? Is it hope or stupidity? As far as I was concerned the future was a book I could write to suit myself, chapter after chapter of good fortune. All was right with the world, and my place in it was assured, or so I thought then. I had no idea that all stories unfold like white flowers, petal by petal, each in its own time and season, dependent on circumstance and fate. The future is something no one can foretell.

Like a white oleander - beautiful yet poisonous, pure yet deceiving - is Life. For a moment, you believe that all's going well, just like you prayed for. Then suddenly, God throws a stone at you and hits you so hard you feel the pain right into your bone. The taste of bitterness involuntarily fills your throat so abruptly, taking you unaware, making you feel dizzy and faint. And all you wish is for the voice in your head to shout louder than it used to so as just to slap you awake again. Which makes you realise, that such an amazing and unexplainable treasure could be so hurtful and difficult to go through.

runaway

2005-09-12T15:13:00.000+08:00

"A leopard never changes its spots."
I'm still as lazy as before. In fact, even more lazy now. Losing interest in studying. Was at wcp studying my anp. Studied two chapters and when I got back home, I totally forgot what I read. What's the point when you study so much and nothing seems to get into that empty cavity? The more I read, the more I get confused and all stressed up. I can almost feel my temples bursting with all those information that in the end, get thrown out of my brains to god knows where..
It always amazes me how I chose this path when there were so many others that I could take and actually enjoy.
And all of a sudden books seem like the best things that makes you forget stuff. =]
It's times like these when I wish I am able to hear God's comforting voice.

she dreads..

2005-09-11T14:53:00.000+08:00

She dreads Sundays coz that'll only mean going through the last day of the week before heading back to school the next day.
She dislikes staying home coz that'll only mean higher chances of getting involved in countless arguements.
She hates being all alone coz that'll only mean she has no one to be happy with and keep her mind off deep thoughts.
She detests Life coz it means surviving in a world that only revolves around meaningless grades and money!

I'm going to live life, or die trying.

Missing you guys

2005-09-08T13:45:00.000+08:00

As usual, another test yesterday and today. Kinda sick of having so many tests. I doubt even jc has this many number of tests. Killed too many brain cells these past few days and getting kinda moody again. Just pass my apchem and I seriously need more than a miracle to pass biophysics. Sighs..wonder how long more I can take this.
Miss life in secondary school. Miss all my pals in 4c1 and my buddy Winston (who simply just wants his name to be mentioned on my blog). Winston: How's life in aus?
Studying with you guys just makes studying seem so much more fun and relaxing.
Can't do anything without you all.

:: Quote of the day :: When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Nothing happened

2005-09-03T15:07:00.000+08:00

Haven't been able to blog for quite a number of days now. My dad's always burning something everyday and it always takes more than 10 hours to complete! Omg..
Anyway, took the anp test on tuesday and God am I gonna fail it so bad. Hardly able to do half a question. Seriously doubt I can pass it. Must take a miracle! Sigh.....
Went to the sp band concert yesterday (the day before), and I must say they gave a pretty good performance. =] And I could barely recognise Ivan..haha..
Nothing much happened these days. Nothing bad to write. That's good....isn't it?

Ps. Oo..and did I mention that I have no school today? Ok..yesterday? (since it's past 12)

a stupid day

2005-08-29T12:03:00.000+08:00

Yesterday was a stupid day. Was studying with a friend, cy at kap. And I actually understood what cardiovascular system is?? As in the processes and blah blah blah..*man am I dumb* Anyway, that's besides the point.
Was actually in a really good mood (after studying that is). Smiling all the way. =] We decided to go far east to hang out for awhile. So we crossed the road only to find we were on the wrong side. Hahx..that's the first mistake of the day. Then we came to a decision to take bus 61. Big mistake! It took us 45mins just to reach only chinatown. *slaps myself* Ok..so I suggested to alight the bus to take 190 (coz we thought there was 190 at the bus stop). There were good news and bad news for us. Guess what? Good news: we found out that 61 doesn't go orchard! phew! =] Bad news: there wasn't any 190. *slaps myself for the second time* Good news: we found a bus that goes to shaw towers (we assumed it's the lido building in orchard). *yey!* Bad news: we took the bus and found out it's the one near bugis junction! *oh my god!*
So apparently, we made 4 mistakes in total! *wow* In addition, I wanted to go to this particular shop and we thought bugis had the shop so we walked to bugis junction, only to find out there wasn't such a shop in both bugis junction and bugis street...*what the hell* So that makes a total of 5 mistakes!
What a freaking stupid day! But it was kinda enriching..coz I learnt that bus 12 goes to tampines and pasir ris! (which is on the other side of Singapore from where I'm living) *wow! again*

pms everyday..

2005-08-26T13:16:00.000+08:00

I feel it!! It's coming again...!! Argh.....NO....! emo...
Man..it's like pms every day....? diao..

untitled

2005-08-25T14:03:00.000+08:00

I open my eyes
I try to see but I'm blinded by the white light
I can't remember how
I can't remember why
I'm lying here tonight
And I can't stand the pain
And I can't make it go away
No I can't stand the pain

How could this happen to me
I've made my mistakes
Got nowhere to run
The night goes on
As I'm fading away
I'm sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me..

Everybody's screaming
I try to make a sound but no one hears me
I'm slipping off the edge
I'm hanging by a thread
I wanna start this over again

So I try to hold onto a time when nothing mattered
And I can't explain what happened
And I can't erase the things that I've done
No I can't..

How could this happen to me
I've made my mistakes
Got nowhere to run
The night goes on
As I'm fading away
I'm sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me..

*sighs*
Have been studying for the past 2 hours or so. And yet, I haven't grasp any concepts and I can't seem to remember all the information. Not to mention, I've still got 2 more chapters yet to be covered. The test is tomorrow! Omg, I'm starting to panic, and that's no help at all to the situation I'm facing now. I feel like breaking down. I am breaking down. Oh God, please help me....

going going gone..

2005-08-24T10:40:00.000+08:00

I'm coming to realise how much I dread my course that I'm taking now. I'm having problems in practically all the modules I'm attending! Do you know how it feels to be at the wrong place (somewhere you don't belong) because you took the wrong step? Well, I do. I feel terrible. I feel like dropping out of school, and going into a course that I like so much more in the next semester. I wish I can do that. Yet somehow, something's stopping me from doing so. I don't know what's that. But I know it sucks! I don't know how I even lasted for 3 months.
I'm not coping well with my studies, I'm losing my temper, I'm feeling all left out. Will there be anything left good in me in the end? I'm "deterioriating", disappearing from the face of the earth...

..falling deeper..

2005-08-23T15:39:00.000+08:00

My world used to be bright. Full of joy and laughter, full of pure happiness and contentment. But for more than half a year, I realise myself falling deeper and deeper into a dark, hollow well. A place I don't know how i got into myself.
I still can remember the days when people would poke fun at me and I would laugh at the stupid meaningless jokes they made. But now, I see myself feeling all steamed up in flames whenever a joke that I used to see meaningless was said. What am I becoming? Do I want to be a hot tempered bitch? Sometimes, I miss the old self I used to be. Now I wonder, was that person really me? Or is this bitch the real me? I feel easily depressed and emotional nowadays. Why am i becoming like that? It seemed as if I was suddenly possessed by something I don't want in my life at all. Yet, it seems so difficult to push aside.
Someone told me that the reason for me becoming what I am now is because I don't want to get hurt again. And to shield myself from pain, I've turned into something I actually don't want to become deep down inside. Well, that made sense. Actually, a whole lot of sense. But somehow, I can't help but to be the person I am now. I've become so used to it that I've forgotten how to be me in the past. I've lost contact with the person I used to be.
I'm falling deeper and deeper, so much so that I can't even help myself now....

A Sad Story

2005-08-22T15:15:00.000+08:00

There was this girl, a very sad girl who wanted to give up on everything because she was so depressed and unhappy with her life. Not knowing what to do with herself most of the time, she would just sit by her window everyday and daydream about a life and a world she would never live in. The more she dreamt of it, the more she felt sad. But she could not stop herself from doing so.
One day, while she was sitting by her window at night, a meteor shower appeared before her very eyes in the sky. Amazed, she took a shot at making a wish. She wished for herself to live in a world of happiness, no stress, no studies, no worries, no screwed up shits. A world filled with greenery and cottage-like houses like those of a fairy tale story. She wished for everything she dreamt of.
She wished that she was able to earn a living in a place where everyone was treated equally. That everybody gave a damn about each other's life. And, a place where her night in shining armor would appear one day to save her from this dark pit she's fallen into.
After making her wish, she broke down and cried. What the hell was she wishing for?! She knew that wasn't possible. She wanted the wish to come true so bad. Yet, at the back of her head, she knew it was too good to be true. Life's never that perfect and smooth sailing. Life's a screwed up mess.
So will there ever be a happy ending to her life? Man do i wish there will be! I wish..